The plan for 2025 was clear.
I was going to write at least one new blog post every week.
I was going to produce a minimum of two YouTube videos a month.
I was going to finish the second draft of a book I am working on.
I was going to level up my life in every way: find a better career, get strict with my diet, read more books, make new friends, get some traveling in, work out like a mother fucker, date with intention…
But then something happened. Something that started around Christmas 2024.
I slipped.
Not literally—metaphorically. I slipped into a dark night of the soul. It was so dark it was black. I couldn’t see far enough in front of myself to take a single safe step.
I entered into an existential midlife crisis that brought about a months-long depressive episode.
Entering My Fourth Decade
I turned 40 in February.
That absolutely had something to do with this midlife crisis I started experiencing, but not for the reasons one might expect. Usually, when gay men age, they worry about losing their sexual capital. But that wasn’t my concern.
Instead, I evaluated my life upon entering my fourth decade—all of it.
My career. My love life. My income. My experiences. My home. My achievements. My productivity. My friendships.
As far as I was concerned, I failed on every single front.
But here was the real problem: I felt absolutely and utterly paralyzed to make any changes.This analysis paralysis was so absolute I felt hopeless. And when hopelessness infects a troubled mind… depression festers.
Cocooned In Darkness
A friend of mine described “cocooning” as his only solace when he feels a depressive episode falling upon him.
This is when he cannot get out of bed, and so he darkens his bedroom and wraps himself in his covers, hiding from the world and doing everything he can to deaden his mind. He does this because the very act of thinking is painful when depression takes hold. Conscious though registers as pain. Rising up and starting the day is psychic agony.
I went through phases of cocooning during February and March. One week I even had to take off from work—at the beginning of the year—because I wasn’t able to will myself out of bed before 01:00 PM. Whenever the idea crossed my mind, I promised myself I would… but only after one more hour of hiding away from existence within my cocoon of blankets and pillows and darkness. Living only felt tolerable in this state.
I’d emerge, eventually.
But my days were numb. There was a viscous quality to time as I lived hour after hour. My energy was sapped, my concentration was shot, and all pleasure was dead. Anhedonia flopped in my mind rent-free. The cold and the dark of winter did not help, either.
Oh, I tried to combat it. I’d force myself to play a little Stardew Valley, for example. But it felt wrong. I could barely complete one in-game day without feeling a deep discomfort trembling in my chest as I tried to pay attention to the game. Stardew Valley was a happy thing for me, and happiness was not welcome.
So, I’d turn the game off. I’d then try to get as much work done as possible before laying down on the sofa, throwing a heavy blanket over my weak body, and binge on Investigation Discovery. Yeah, yeah, I know. True crime, seriously? But what can I say? The only thing I could focus on in my dark mood were dark stories.
I ate little. And when I did eat, it was junk. Frozen pizza. Chips. Chocolate. Cookies. But that was sparse. I lost weight from eating so little.
My strict cleanliness fell off. Layers of dust piled up. Mounds of laundry went unattended.
I could not function in life.
“Wisdom To Know The Difference”
Until I could.
The darkness blanketing my life started to lift and the depressive episode started to ease up—finally—toward the end of May.
I still feel, even now, all of the insecurities and anxieties. But they’ve lost their edge. They feel more manageable as I’ve started cracking away at them in bite-sized chunks. I started writing a few sentences here. I’d read a few pages there. I’d set my alarm a little earlier each passing day.
This, combined with the changing of the seasons and mindfulness practices to calm my mind and breathing techniques to settle down my body, helped bring me out of the intense depressive episode I felt.
I’m not a practicing Christian, but I do think my current approach to life in June 2025 can be summed up in the serenity prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Amen to that.
