Narcissism and open relationships are a toxic combination. I should know—I was in an “open relationship” with a gay narcissist far longer than I was ever in a monogamous one.
In fact, the idea was first broached a mere five months into my gay narcissistic relationship. It was discussed over a breakfast of homemade french toast and bacon on the morning of the New York Gay Pride Parade several years ago. My gay narcissistic ex was all smiles and energy. We were already living together, and the intense love bombing was tapering off.
I was reassured that it was only an idea, something to consider. And I needn’t worry—the gay narcissist loved me “more than anything else in the whole world” and I was the “one” he “was searching for” his “entire life.” Most importantly, nothing would ever happen that we didn’t both agree upon. All encountered would only ever happen together. This is a typical tactic in the opening up of gay relationships. Let’s test the arrangement, but only together in the spirit of teamwork.
Breakfast quickly turned into a mediation as more rules and reassurances came. Any and all potential occurrences would first be carefully and conscientiously discussed and considered. This sounded sensible, because gay men in the heat of an impending threesome are known for spur-of-the-moment rational discourse.
But hey, why not? So what if we got into some trouble together here and there? Where was the harm in that? It sounded like fun!
I was a young, liberal, open-minded gay man high on the love of my soulmate. My future was bright: against all odds the gay narcissist and I found each other and our relationship knew no bounds.
How true the boundlessness of the whole thing would soon become.
Shaking Up The Bedroom
Open relationships are all the rage among gay men.
Matt Baume, a writer for Them.us, reported that 30 percent of gay men in relationships were not completely monogamous, according to the findings of the Gay Therapy Center in San Francisco. Baume further notes that this number is down from a reported 50 percent openness rate in relationships back in 2010, according to San Francisco State University.
Open relationships aren’t just for gay couples— straight people are into the idea too. A YouGov poll found that an average of 25 percent of Americans had interest in some kind of open arrangement, with a breakdown of 32 percent of men showing interest versus 19 percent of women, as reported by Jamie Ballard.
But so long as such an arrangement comes from a place of mutual respect and open communication, then it’s all good, isn’t it?
Sure, unless you’re in a budding toxic relationship with a narcissist.
Rules, Rules, Rules
Kim Saeed wrote a pointed and insightful blog post on recognizing and coping with the manipulations of a polyamorous narcissist operating in open relationships.
The central point she emphasizes is this: polyamory and open relationships only function when the rules are respected and the communication is open.
And none of this ever works in a narcissistic relationship.
The “rules” of my own open relationship were forever in flux. Changes were made by my gay narcissistic ex as he saw fit, and whenever I had a challenge or amendment myself, I was met with sighs, head shakes, lip curls, and rebuttals that began with, “you know…”
I was a novice to the ways of relationships, gay or not. I assumed these trendy, free-love relationships were fun and exciting.
“It’s like having a baby,” someone I call the Prickly European told me when I confided in him early on about the open relationship. “It will need attention like a baby. You’ll always be talking about it like a baby. It will run your lives like a baby.”
I rolled my eyes.
Not ours, I thought to myself. Never.
And though I believed we were a mature and loving couple, my confidence was overrated. Before long, the open relationship was the primary focus of the gay narcissist, and I found myself growing increasingly jealous of it, an amorphous idea, rather than the many passersby the gay narcissist met through it.
Our own relationship moldered as the years passed. My bitterness and resentment grew as my supply went stale. The gay narcissist sought fresh supply from new sources of validation, and the open relationship was his vehicle. Because of this, he forever stood ready and vigilant to defend the sanctity of the arrangement.
The open relationship morphed into a blood oath I was honor-bound to uphold and obey. Anything short was high treason.
Cheap Words From A Cheap Person
“No matter what, you know I love you and I will always come home to you.”
That phrase, nearly word for word, was said to me countless times over the course of my gay narcissistic relationship after it morphed into an open relationship. At the time, when I didn’t know any better, the phrase was a life line.
Now I smirk. What cheap words from a cheap person.
A defining characteristic of narcissism is its shallowness and superficiality. Words are tools of control to a narcissist and nothing more. For years, the gay narcissist’s reassurances provided me my own form of supply, and when I finally realized just how hollow and manipulative all of the texts and conversations were, I was crushed. The devastation of the truth shadowed me for many months.
For the day did come when the gay narcissist did not come home. He discarded me for new supply, someone who offered him fresh validation.
I was always so sure that if I tried hard enough—if I gave the gay narcissist enough attention, I spent enough money on him, I kept more of my opinions to myself, I allowed more sexual freedom—that finally I would find the right alchemical formula for unlocking his true love and we could both find peace.
But this is a story told countless times, and all I did was auction off pieces of my integrity to a person who only cared about his own base desires and nothing more.
As Unflinching As Stone
During one of the many post-breakup talks I had with the gay narcissist, I asked a very pointed question.
“What would you have done if I asked to close the relationship?”
The gay narcissist sat opposite me. He was silent and his stare was as unflinching as stone.
“I probably would have just cheated on you or broken up with you,” he said in an even tone. “But I knew you’d never ask to close it because you were afraid I’d break up with you.” He paused, having heard himself be completely honest. It was a rare occurrence for him.
My breath was completely taken away by the admission. But I wasn’t sad or anxious by his words. I was shaken, haunted. Never before had I heard something so cold and dark in its authenticity from this individual.
So, where was the “harm” in mixing narcissism with open relationships?
I found my answer.
* * * * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
6 Comments
This is one of the only things I can find on Open Relationships/Poly and Narcissists. I feel your pain at this moment. I’m being triangulated, replaced but kept at the same time. He lies to my face continuously and no doubt to hers. Says she knows i exist (I’ve been with him for 1.5 years and she’s been around for 6 months). He didn’t come out and say he was with her he just lazily left things around of hers for me to discover, in areas of the house that were mine.
He listens to me about how he’s hurting me but any time i bring up the agreement we made he says it’s null and void. Tells me my reactions to said new person making their mark all over the house I’ve lived in with him is “drama” and “too much”. Anything i ask for him to do to help me be ok with it is met with “i get how you feel but I don’t know what to do for you or tell you. It’s her drawer now, you can get your drawer back if you aren’t as dramatic”. I’m “punished” for feeling hurt, heartbroken, dismissed, triangulated. He has a nickname for me he’s used for our entire relationship and he calls her the same thing. Everything about our relationship that is special … isn’t. It’s like rinse and repeat. So he’ll be fine when i leave.
Yet i sit here unable to leave. Almost paralyzed in this inability to say goodbye to the once monogamous relationship that has tumbled so far from what it used to be. To say goodbye to the person i thought he was. I’ve known he’s a narcissist for about a year but I’ve attempted to convince myself otherwise. But our relationship he treated me as one and now add the open relationship and “new supply” and it’s even more solidified.
I could potentially have done this open relationship successfully but he breaks every rule we make, trashes any agreement we make unless it benefits him. Breaks all my boundaries and “hard limits”. I don’t know how to walk away. I may need to write a letter and get everything out i need to. Do i notify her because i don’t believe she knows about me even tho he says she does?
Thank you for taking the time to comment on this blog post, and for sharing your very raw and fresh pain.
It is never easy when you’re in the maelstrom, and that’s what you’re trapped in. And I truly mean “trapped” in every sense of the word.
I had an audible reaction to your comment when you told me the narcissist in your life is using pet names to describe his new supply that he once used with you. Small details like that sting and poison your mind.
The most difficult thing you can do is have the conversation with yourself that you’re in a narcissistic relationship, and it’s been like that since the beginning. It was simply caked in makeup to dress up the hard edges. But that’s long since passed.
It sounds like how situation is eerily similar. The partners sound very similar, and so does the frames of mind.
All you can do is summon up the resolve to leave. That’s truly it, and I know how easy that sounds. I lived in a very similar situation for six months before I left, and within one week of being free, my head cleared.
You need to open up an inner dialogue with yourself to understand what you’re in, who this person truly is based on his ACTIONS and never ever what he SAYS, and be your own greatest advisor.
After 7 years my ex partner wanted a open relationship but just like then all went over to the green grass the other side !! But still hurts
Thank you for taking the time to post a comment, Adrian.
Please clarify for me: your ex-partner was with you for seven years? And that’s when he wanted an open relationship, only to then leave you for someone else?
Regardless, it’s incredibly painful when you try to give someone what they want, it’s painful for you, and then it’s even more painful when they leave you anyway and you’re left figuring it out.
So yes we was together for 7 year 7 month in a open relationship silly me . But the a sad thing happened the 4 year old dog got cancer and we had to put him down . That seems to set him off thinking what would he do if anything happened to me ? But anyway he met so he says his new boyfriend 2 days after we split up !! Now that hurt a lot more than I thought. We lived together and run a business together not fights or anything got on so well 27/7 but on the down side he does smoke weed !! A lot so that never helped . That was Feb this year . Its hard to heal when you have to see each other every day . But for him is just like any other day . Strange how somone could move on so fast and hurt so much .
As much as I hate to say it, Adrian, what can even be said to something like that?
All of that time together, so it’s absolutely beyond destabilizing to have someone seemingly move on so easily and completely from your life. You WILL get past it, but I won’t pretend it’s not going to be a very hard road.
Also, start reading at once. For you, start with “The Velvet Rage,” and here is a link for it — https://amzn.to/47qtTiN