Of all the information Dr. Ramani Durvasula provides in her new book on narcissism, Don’t You Know Who I Am? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, I can’t shake off this one fact: in 2018, the Oxford Dictionary chose the word “toxic” as its “Word of the Year.”
Search terms like toxic masculinity, toxic relationships, toxic people, and toxic culture all contributed to this nomination (I’m surprised “toxic workplace” wasn’t included, since I’ve seen a steady uptick of career-site newsletters featuring blog write-ups on how to survive and escape toxic workplaces). That’s a lot of digitally inquisitive people trying to figure out what “toxic” looks like in day-to-day life.
Generally speaking, the quest for knowledge (followed up by “radical acceptance,” as Dr. Ramani prescribes) of all things narcissism has been rapidly rising, and Dr. Ramani is one of the few public figures who makes understanding (and dealing with) narcissism and toxic behavior her life’s work, and for good reason. More and more people are waking up to the fact that they feel psychologically sick, and once the answer to the riddle is discovered, the landscape of recovery forever shifts and the journey of moving forward becomes far more manageable.
“Narcissism” as a word is a bit tricky, since it’s been watered down by connotative use over the years. Commonly it’s thought of as a descriptive term illustrating someone who is in love with himself (or herself). That’s partially true—Dr. Ramani often stresses that “narcissism” is a descriptor and a label, just as you can label someone as shy or gregarious. So too can a person be narcissistic, with all of the ugly attributes of entitlement, grandiosity, validation seeking, arrogance, antagonism, and lack of empathy that comes along with it.
Part of the mission of Don’t You Know Who I Am? is to explain exactly what narcissism is as a psychological pattern of behavior to a general audience. This is not a weighty clinical manual. While it’s relatively long—Dr. Ramani’s book counts 400 pages—this book is not only one of the most comprehensive examinations of narcissism and toxic relationships, but the topic is explored and explained in a conversational and compassionate tone. That is vital for subject matter like this, because I’m willing to wager if you’re reading this book, then you’ve experienced the dark handiwork of a narcissist in your life.
This is Dr. Ramani’s second go at bringing her knowledge of narcissism to a general audience. Her first (and my favorite) is Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship With A Narcissist, which focuses on identifying narcissistic patterns in a romantic relationship, weighting your options, and then deciding if you should stay in or get out of the relationship.
Admittedly, I had no idea who Dr. Ramani Durvasula was until the final months of 2018, and generally speaking, I didn’t much care about narcissism either as a general descriptor or as a behavioral pattern with a complex psychological history. The most exposure I had to the word was from the Howard Stern Show when co-host Robin Quivers was diagnosed as a 34 out of 40 by Dr. Drew Pinsky and Dr. Mark Young in their narcissism test among celebrities. At the time, it was said that her resulting score was higher than 99 percent of the American population.
But, as things go, a sort-of unexpected shift in my personal life occurred during the summer of 2018. And as we all do when we have a problem, I worshipped before the shrine of Google with clusters of words describing my experiences and feelings. A pattern quickly emerged. The word “narcissism” kept appearing in all of my search results.
YouTube videos on narcissism, blog posts on narcissism, books on narcissism, podcasts on narcissism—I consumed all of this content, and as I did, the answer to the riddle eating away at my brain finally appeared.
Among the top “narcissism” search results on YouTube in late 2018 was “Chatting with an Expert on Narcissism” from the LAHWF channel (the video, to date, has 1.9 million views), and that’s the first time I indirectly met Dr. Ramani. It’s been a one-sided relationship of pure admiration ever since.
Following the LAHWF video, I watched her MedCircle content, following by reading Should I Stay Or Should I Go?. I was left with the feeling that the book was written solely for me and addressed my particular experiences, which was the ultimate form of validation I could have received at the time.
Don’t You Know Who I Am? launched in October 2019, and it’s the ultimate continuation of Dr. Ramani’s journey educating the general public on narcissism, how it develops, and how to handle it once it enters your life. Only now, Dr. Ramani takes on narcissism and psychological toxicity as a destructive force that attacks all areas of our lives—romantic partners, the workplace, families, friendships, and the world at large. She goes into great detail about how narcissism develops (spoiler: it starts young, is largely the result of bad parenting, and is topped off with some temperament that come’s from an individual’s biology).
This is an exhaustive book on the topic of narcissism and toxic relationships, but it is approachable in its tone and style all the way through. Dr. Ramani is a prominent and learned clinical psychologist, but she never breaks her empathic and conversational voice. And because it’s so exhaustive, you’ll feel energized by all of the lessons the book teaches.
You’ll have a better understanding that narcissism as a psychological pattern of behavior is very real, its stable and highly resistant to change, and a diagnosis of “narcissistic personality disorder” does not matter for you as someone who is experiencing narcissistic abuse—because abuse is abuse, regardless of any “why.”
Most important is the ever-present theme that you—we—need to jettison this idea that all people in our lives have our best interest in mind and we should give everyone the benefit of the doubt and offer up our trust. How many second chances must we give before we finally pull our hand away from the hot stove of a narcissistic relationship?
The book will teach you to keep your compassion and empathy and kindness intact by only offering it to those who deserve it, and also approach the world with more skepticism. Dr. Ramani wants us all to stop offering up our lives as human sacrifices to the narcissists of the world. We must steel ourselves against an increasingly narcissistic and toxic culture and world by first getting our own lives in order.
Once we accomplish that, Dr. Ramani is confidant we will all be properly armored to combats the narcissists in our lives.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
1 Comment
Hi Dr Ramaani
Would like to find out if my ex husband (narcissist) will start discarding his children when he found new supply?
He started deciding to see children less – because of routine according to him – but i feel that he is choosing his new supply over his children.
Please help