Most of the writings I’ve produced exploring my experiences in a gay narcissistic relationship are scattershot. For anyone entering my website through specific search terms focusing on different aspects of narcissistic relationships—”narcissistic discard” and “new supply” are the two big ones right now—you might find yourself dumped into a mass of jumbled information.
The whole point in writing this material is my attempt to help fill two content vacuums I noticed when I, too, was trying to figure out my life through online research after my gay narcissistic relationship ended.
The first vacuum was the lack of personal narratives concerning the dynamics of narcissistic abuse in a relationship. I found a lot of instructional and informational second-person content—but what I personally craved were in-depth personal anecdotes that mirrored and validated my experiences.
There was plenty of telling, but not nearly enough showing.
Generally speaking, I’ve been writing about lots of different stuff for well over 15 years now, and the work I’m most proud off has taken on the narrative shape of creative nonfiction.
This is most evident in my memoir, Bigmart Confidential: Dispatches from America’s Retail Empire.
The style of creative nonfiction is now influencing my blogging on narcissism, too. And one of the key style points of creative nonfiction is treating subject as characters and locations as settings.
There have been a lot of people in and out of my life during my gay narcissistic relationship, and there are a variety of different locations that serve as settings to the years-long drama. But for the sake of confidentiality, I need to conceal as many identity-revealing details as possible.
As I’ve been developing the ongoing narrative of my gay narcissistic relationship, I’ve started using key-word colloquialisms to describe people and settings in this story.
But I understand that this can be confusing for new readers, so below I am providing a glossary of the terms I am using. And I shall add to this as the story grows…
The Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary:
The Gay Narcissist: This is the man I was in a gay narcissistic relationship with for several years. He’s been the focal point of all of the writing I’ve done on the narcissism topic. It was my relationship with him—and specifically the end of our relationship—that led me to understanding the dynamics of narcissism. The Gay Narcissist was the first and only person I was ever in a relationship with, and though the relationship was completely invalidating and all-around toxic, I learned much from it. It’s important to note that the Gay Narcissist can act as a stand-in for the narcissist in anyone’s life who is reading my blog and has had similar experiences.
The New Supply: This is the individual the Gay Narcissist left me for. He served as my replacement. Again, the “New Supply” is as much a title or mantle that can be applied to someone in your life if you’re reading my posts and have a relatable story. I did not originally come up with referring to the new partner in a narcissist’s life as the “New Supply.” It’s common internet lingo within support circles discussing narcissistic abuse. I borrow it in my own writings to refer to a specific individual.
Gay Narcissistic Relationship: The years-long relationship I shared with the Gay Narcissist is referred to officially as the Gay Narcissistic Relationship.
Final Narcissistic Discard: This refers to the Gay Narcissist’s official act of removing me from his life once and for all so he could install the New Supply as my replacement. Though there were smaller temporary discards through the entirety of the relationship, this refers to the “final” discard because I was officially broken up with.
Post-Discard Days: The following weeks and months following the Narcissistic Discard where I still cohabitated with the Gay Narcissist are the Post-Discard Days. During this time I watched the Gay Narcissist love bomb the New Supply while also trying to maintain some kind of quasi-relationship with me. The time period described by this is important, because it’s when I was at my absolute lowest and most despondent. It was also during this time period that I gathered the most valuable primary information concerning what was going on in my life and how to process it by observing and documenting the behavior of the Gay Narcissist. I also gathered a vast wealth of secondary information from books, blogs, and video content during this time period.
The City: Before meeting the Gay Narcissist, this is where I lived and worked. He also worked here, and it is here that we met.
The Retreat: This is a location where the Gay Narcissist and I would spend some of our weekends during the summer over the years. This is also where the Gay Narcissist met the New Supply and started visiting with far more frequency once he started having an affair with the New Supply.
The Lovely Therapist: My therapist, whose office is in the City, and who helped me tremendously during our sessions. When I knew the gay narcissistic relationship was crumbling and I felt the walls of my life closing in around me, I did what I needed to do and found a trained third party to help me. I needed the sanctity and refuge offered by the office of a professional. I call my particular clinician the Lovely Therapist because she was a sharp and intelligent young woman who was also quite pretty. But it was her compassion and empathy I found truly lovely.
Heart-To-Heart Talks: These are the lengthy discussions, sometimes lasting a few hours, between the Gay Narcissist and I about what “went wrong” in our relationship. Such a discussion is usually referred to as a “post mortem,” but that’s impossible when talking with a narcissistic person because the information will be twisted to reflect favorably on the narcissist. This happened to me often, but I also mined valuable information out of these talks, too.
The Prickly European: He is someone I’ve known for years. He always made himself available to listen to me bitch and complain about my life. I suspected he enjoyed the drama. But he usually offered good insight, so it was a fair tradeoff.
The Mutual Acquaintance: This individual is a person the Gay Narcissist and I met together at the Retreat. As the narcissistic relationship the Gay Narcissist and I shared started to fall apart, this person watched all of the drama unfold and would offer me advice. He would also report to me on the activities of the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply at the Retreat.
Supply Sources: Individuals who were sought out and cultivated by the Gay Narcissist to provide fresh narcissistic supply. These individuals were more peripheral and were not as important to him as those he pursued as partners within the open relationship. Think of people like platonic friends, business contacts, distant family members, etc.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
