I’ve been reading a lot of Bella DePaulo, a writer for Psychology Today who produces an enviable amount of quality content for her “Living Single” blog/column.
More and more, I find myself agreeing with her overall premise that single people flourish when they’re left to live their lives unattached and pursuing what they find meaningful. This sounds like conventional wisdom, right?
Maybe not.
Plenty of people chase fairytale romances. There’s a dangerously misleading belief that finding a romantic parter and starting a family is the ultimate goal in life, and that it will fix all problems.
Talk about a delusion—but it’s out there. And there’s plenty of stories about love bombing, narcissistic relationships, devaluation, and discard to prove just how poisonous a delusion it can be. This goes doubly so for gay men who oftentimes move in and out of relationships at lightning speed.
This idea fueled my first foray into dating red flags among gay men, especially when taking a look at the subsection of gay dating (cruising) apps.
I can’t stop myself from picking at the scab, so here are some more:
Gay Dating Red Flag: How Much Does He Really Like Being Single?
Gay men on dating (cruising) apps like Grindr and Scruff often state in their profiles that they’re happy being single, but they’re ultimately looking for their husband.
I’m sure that’s often true. But who are you trying too convince?
I’ve chatted with my fair share of guys who tell me exactly this. They’re all very happy being single… but they’re looking for “the one” who will be their husband eventually. That sounds like a tall order and some hefty pressure to get started with. And then the romantic shopping list soon follows.
And so, I come to my question again. Are we here to talk and get to know one another, or is this a round of online shopping for a human accessory?
It seems to me that a gay man at ease in his life and comfortable with his circumstances would present as more relaxed. Sure, he knows what he’s looking for and he knows what his standards are. But he’s calm in his approach. It’s not a feverish gauntlet of challenges and pop quizzes. It’s a date, not a job interview.
And this is because, I believe, these men are not comfortable with being single at all, and they’re desperately trying to attach to a new guy to sooth the discomfort of being single as quickly as possible.
That’s bad news for you if you want to take it nice and slow.
And on that topic…
Gay Dating Red Flag: He Wants To Move Really Fast
This is subjective, but if a new romance feels like it is moving too fast, then here are three words for you:
Or, if you prefer:
Trust. Your. Gut.
You’re far, far, far better off being overly cautious and ending a possible connection early instead of handing out second, third, and fourth chances. That’s how you wind up trapped in a destructive and toxic relationship.
This, to me, manifests by how quickly a guy wants to meet you and under what circumstances. I’ve said before that gay men have sex as freely as passing out handshakes, so to me, that’s not really much of a red flag. It might be to others, though.
But if only a week or two has passed, and he’s pushing for lots of attention and you’re not feeling it, then be your own advocate.
Or, if you do like him but you’re still uncomfortable with the speed of how everything is moving, and you tell him, make sure to measure his response. How is he reacting? Is he understanding? Angry? Does he say he hears you, but then subtly reminds you of how good you two are together, and how you need to stop worrying and just go with it?
When I first met the Gay Narcissist, I often felt like it was going way too fast, and I wanted a breather. But whenever I felt that way, I was attacked on two fronts.
The first was my own inner critic, telling me I finally had what I wanted, and I should shut my mouth, buck up, and give the Gay Narcissist all of the attention he deserved. Why shouldn’t I, since we were soulmates?
The second was the Gay Narcissist himself, who made it clear early on that I should be at his beck and call around the clock If I was not, well, then, I wasn’t who he thought I was and he needed to reevaluate everything.
That’s coercive control, but I didn’t know what that was at the time, so I never told him to “fuck off.” But I silently say it now when someone is too pushy too fast.
Conversely…
Gay Dating Red Flag: Savor Those Bread Crumbs, Because It’s All You’re Going To Get
If it’s not one extreme, then it’s the other.
If you’re not figuring out how to bow out early from someone coming on too strong, then you’re worrying about how to keep the attention of someone you’re interested in. But, lucky you, he’s distant and playing it way too cool. Who knows—maybe that’s why you’re interested in him.
Full confession: more than once I’ve talked to guys I’ve been interested in possibility pursuing. And almost all of these guys front-ended a lot of interest before slowly pulling away. They’d keep me following along by throwing out some breadcrumbs from time to time. I’d trail behind, hoping for more, but eventually they’d altogether vanish.
Even after all of my experiences with the Gay Narcissist, I wasn’t quite sure what was going on with one person in particular. A decent amount of time needed to pass before I noticed the patterns of behavior. I don’t know if this guy was stringing me along for sport, or if he was genuinely shy and apprehensive. Maybe a combination of the two, or something else entirely?
It didn’t matter.
His actions showed me that he was not interested in meeting, whatever the reason. It was time for me to accept that, grow up, and let the whole thing go. Because, other than frustration, what good was any of it doing?
Gay Dating Red Flag: Compliments Are Nice, But Give It A Rest Already
Compliments are something we all want to hear.
And that’s especially so when the compliments are about our physical appearance. But compliments are also, probably, the most poisonous weapon used to manipulate a target.
Are all compliments meant to manipulate you? No, of course not.
But how often are they paid? How outlandish are they? Do they get to the point where they come off as saccharine? Here you’ll need to rely on your own intuition and gut feelings to read the situation. But if the kind words are heavily peppered on some other red flags, then it’s my advice to take a second look at everything.
Compliments should come off as sweet, but when they turn syrupy and overindulgent, that’s your cue to watch out.
Gay Dating Red Flag: You Feel Like You Are Pulled Into Open Relationship Drama Just By Reading A Profile
It’s staggering how many men on the gay dating (cruising) apps are in open relationships.
Seriously—there are so many it sometimes feels like single men are outnumbered by well over 50 percent. And if you’re not paying attention closely to the person you’re striking up a half-way decent conversation with, you’re in for an obnoxious surprise when you see some form of commitment under his “relationship status.”
My personal favorites are the guy’s who are “engaged,” but they still can’t let their dating (cruising) profiles cool off for more than 24 hours.
Am I being catty?
I sure am, but it’s understandable after awhile when it’s just one attached guy after another.
Some men in open relationships are straight forward with what they want—a friend with sexual benefits. Other times, guys are more coy and pretend they want to make nice as friends, but it still ends up as a rendezvous between the sheets and nothing more.
Most interesting to me are the write-ups for some of these open-relationship profiles. The more outlandish blurbs espouse the amazing and incredible relationships these guys share with their partners, and how nothing will ever come between them. So, then, the obvious question that pops into my head is this: then why are you on here trolling for other guys to have sex with?
I have my cynical responses.
It’s all a front; the relationship isn’t as joyous and blissful as advertised, and one (or both, or poly!) parties wants out, even if he’s not consciously acknowledging that fact. Thus, these unhappy and frustrated gay men turn to Grindr, Scruff, whatever. Pick your poison.
More and more, I talk to single gay men who have no patience for men in open relationships; these loosely attached men are described as selfish and entitled.
Don’t feel bad if you cut out early when dealing with men in open relationships. There’s plenty of potential drama and heartache there. Why put up with it, especially if you’re looking for serious dates.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
