Are gay men generally more narcissistic?
Who knows—maybe I’m jaded. But from working around gay men, having gay friends, and running through a small handful of toxic gay relationships… I keep asking that question.
Are gay men more narcissistic?
I’ve always been disturbed by the higher levels of dysfunction among gay men.
“We are a damaged tribe,” an older and wiser gay friend said to me a few years ago.
He’s right. We are a damaged tribe. But how damaged? And what kind of bad behavior shows up as a result?
This question eventually led me to reading The Velvet Rage by Dr. Alan Downs.
One word kept popping into my head, page after page. Downs only used the word once in his epilogue, but I kept hearing it in my head over and over again.
Narcissism.
I am not using the word diagnostically. Narcissism is a descriptive term—not a prescriptive one. It’s a word that describes a pattern of behavior—bad and unpleasant behavior.
And I’ve seen a lot of this behavior in gay men—myself included.
Here are some of my take aways from The Velvet Rage concerning narcissism among gay men.
Toxic Shame
Alan Downs describes three stages of “toxic shame” as it develops in a gay man’s life.
Stage 01: Overwhelmed By Shame
Stage 02: Overcoming Shame
Stage 03: Cultivating Authenticity
The toxic shame gay men experience stems from the inherent knowing of being different.
A gay youth isn’t quite sure what’s going on, but one thing is obvious. He is different from everyone else and it is uncomfortable.
Downs writes that during this stage of early development, the father pulls away from the gay youth because he also senses that difference and doesn’t know how to deal with it.
Usually the mother then steps in to compensate for the lack of attention from the father. Could this toxic shame be the same as the core insecurity typically believed to be at the root of narcissism? It sure looks like a short road from one to the other.
To sooth this shame and insecurity, gay men usually act out in predictable ways as they age and mature—grandiose, arrogant, and attention-seeking ways.
When a man’s life is all about stabilizing a turbulent inner world—all of that exterior validation becomes really important really fast.
And that lines up with narcissistic behavior.
Admiration, Attention, Validation
One of the biggest gay stereotypes out there are the loud and bombastic lifestyles.
The party can never end.
There are never enough notches on the bedpost.
What’s another hour at the gym?
That salary needs another zero.
The house needs to be bigger.
Everything is an external show of extravagance—and self-worth.
Sometimes it’s a desperate plea for approval asking: “Am I good enough?”
Alan Downs links this constant need for validation to “Stage 02: Overcoming Shame.”
According to Downs:
What’s different about our craving for validation in stage two is that in stage one, validation is all about trying to hide our sexuality. In stage two, it is about trying to still the small but persistent voice of shame within us. We need validation to assure us that as gay men, we are worthwhile and ultimately deserving of love.
The acquisition of validation is so rewarding that we become validation junkies. The more we get, the more we crave it, the better we feel, and the harder it becomes for us to tolerate invalidation.
This passage made me think of all the open relationships I see among gay men.
I’ve seen plenty of competition among gay men in open relationships over the years. After the initial burst of limerence and passion that got them together, some couples settled down and started craving attention from new sources all over again. Sometimes it was one partner that needed it, and other times it was both.
I’ve seen gay men tallying winks, woofs, pokes, DMs—all of it—with their partners. It’s always looked like a cheap and hurtful triangulation tactic. And oftentimes it results in hurt feelings, broken hearts, and ultimately resentment.
This is when the need for validation turns dark and manipulative. This is when it morphs into the hunt for narcissistic supply.
After all, attention seeking and the chronic need for validation is a hallmark of narcissistic behavior.
Addicted To Limerence
I didn’t even know what limerence was until a gay friend mentioned it to me. He used the word to describe another gay man he knew. This guy had a persistent habit of developed rapid and intense infatuations with other men.
My own ex-boyfriend, whom I call the Gay Narcissist, cycled through several men before me. The pattern was always the same: the relationships started out red-hot until they fizzled and died in cold misery. He seemed unaware of the pattern as he described each one to me. Or, maybe he just didn’t care and I was too naive and desperate for his approval to pick up on it.
This cycle is a perpetual gauntlet of idealization, devaluation, and finally discard.
I was very much love-bombed by the Gay Narcissist in the beginning, and years later I watched him plot my own discard as he developed a limerent fixation for my impending replacement, a guy I call the New Supply.
On this, Alan Downs wrote in The Velvet Rage:
In this first stage of being a gay man, we are not equipped to have a healthy intimate relationship. Our own internal conflicts prevent us from gaining the emotional clarity needed to maintain a safe and satisfying bond.
The situation compounds itself when two men, both overwhelmed with shame, come together in an intense and explosive expression of passion. What produces arguably the most erotic experience of a gay man’s life also takes him to the lowest place he is likely to know.
This is a concise and powerful passage.
It summed up my entire relationship with the Gay Narcissist.
Now, I’d like to say that if I had this information beforehand I would have acted differently.
But sometimes you need to touch the hot stove before learning your lesson.
In a narcissistic relationship, if one or both partners needs a constant supply of validation, attention, and admiration, the whole thing it going to wear out fast. Romantic passion always cools off.
If a relationship has real staying power, then it matures into stability and companionship. But stability and companionship to a narcissist, gay or straight, is experienced as “boring” and “controlling.”
This returns us to the open relationship dynamic seen in many gay relationships. It’s the desire to have both the stability of a longterm partner while also expecting the freedom of cruising apps for fresh attention, even if it’s nothing more than a quick DM.
I won’t be completely miserable here, as I’ve known a handful of couples where the open dynamic appears to work. But I’ve also seen plenty where the relationship turns passive aggressive. The hostility turns into lingering resentment.
I should know, since I lived it myself.
This post is an edited version of the script for my YouTube video:
The YouTube script is adapted from my July 2021 blog post:
The Velvet Rage By Alan Downs | Six Lessons About Gay Narcissism | Part 01
