“The Bank of Steven is closed.”
I made this announcement years into the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, and the reason for it was clear.
I was tired of the financial abuse.
The wasteful and indulgent spending of my unsavory and entitled ex, whom I call the Gay Narcissist, frustrated me like nothing else. He had an uncanny knack for picking money away on frivolous nonsense for himself and those he wanted to impress. Meanwhile, I found myself saddled with the burden of boring household expenses to pick up that slack.
I’ve written about the Gay Narcissist and his crazy-eyed obsession with “Big-Boy Toys” in the past. He’d spend and spend on his Big-Boy Toys, while I made sure we were stocked up on hand soap and toilet paper.
But that only covers when the Gay Narcissist was spending his money. Sometimes those Big-Boy Toys he desperately needed exceeded his bank account.
That’s when he’d ask for a loan from the Bank of Steven.
Frivolous And Indulgent Spending
I did not earn a lot of money during the Gay Narcissistic Relationship.
The Gay Narcissist was the breadwinner on paper, and this mattered to him. A lot.
When his combined income cracked six figures, he announced it to me on a regular basis. The Gay Narcissist also found not-so-subtle ways of slipping it into conversation with family and friends. It was beyond tacky, and I always fell quiet and distanced myself from him.
There was no denying the Gay Narcissist was obsessed with appearing better than those around him. He didn’t seem to care all that much how it made those around him feel. And on the topic of money, he was bragging to people who made less than him—far less.
You’d think a guy like this wouldn’t need the Bank of Steven.
But he did.
I’ve complained in the past about the Gay Narcissist and his frivolous spending on what I dubbed his “Big-Boy Toys.” But those very same Big-Boy Toys are the origin of many financial woes. They’d break down. They’d need new parts. They’d require emergency repairs.
And the Gay Narcissist had two options he used often.
He’d take out loans on his 401K… and he’d take out loans from the Bank of Steven.
Observable Patterns
These are two of my favorite posts:
Narcissism And Cheapness | A Generous Pal With Strangers
Narcissism And Signs Of Financial Abuse
These two pieces don’t get a lot of traffic. They’re not sexy or lurid like all of my confessions about the Gay Open Relationship or the Final Narcissistic Discard at the hands of the Gay Narcissist when he replaced me with the New Supply.
But those two posts discuss something deep and troubling that is vital to understand.
Financial abuse is often subtle.
But it’s also something you can detect early on if you know what to look for.
In a must-read book on narcissism, Don’t You Know Who I Am?, Dr. Ramani Durvasula discusses the importance of keeping an eye on behavioral patterns when first meeting someone. It is the only way you can make a value judgment on who he or she really is.
Dr. Ramani wrote:
The behavioral aspects of toxic and narcissistic people are the actions and attitudes that you can observe. They often relate to visible patterns, such as how these people look, what they buy, where they live, and how they spend money.
These patterns are the overt manifestation of all of the other patterns (for example, the lack of empathy, the insecurity, the entitlement). Interestingly, the behavioral elements of a toxic person are often more annoying and are something that everyone observes and experiences when they interact with this person; however, different people may interpret these behaviors differently.
The emphasis in the above quote was mine.
And with that quote, I have one more anecdote to end on.
Debt Collection
Maybe about three years into the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, there was a Big-Boy Toy the Gay Narcissist insisted on having. And not only did he need this Big-Boy Toy, but it would require the additional cost of a storage unit to house it.
He sent me streams of texts about how much he wanted this thing, he bombarded me with images to win me over, and then one afternoon, he presented his case to me.
Okay, I said to the Gay Narcissist, if you have to have it that bad, then buy it for yourself.
Ah, I can still see the sour look on his face when I said that.
I knew perfectly well he didn’t have the cash for it, the Gay Narcissist said to me. He then went on to say I was acting smug and pompous because I was lording my own savings over him and making him beg for money.
All I could do was laugh.
The Gay Narcissist truly did believe my money was his money. And despite all my generosity in the past with him, none of that mattered. All that mattered was the Big-Boy Toy he needed in that very moment and how I was denying it to him.
I didn’t buckle at first… but I did eventually.
The Bank of Steven was open for business again.
Twice, actually.
Because only a few months into the Gay Narcissist’s ownership of the Big-Boy Toy he needed to have, it broke down and he required yet another loan from the Bank of Steven.
He got it, and that’s when I turned into a debt collector more than a boyfriend.
* * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
It’s Not You: Identifying And Healing From Narcissistic People (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon Of Our Age (Dr. George Simon)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
