For years, I knew my unsavory ex—whom I call the Gay Narcissist—kept a collection of rings.
For whatever reason, I didn’t find it creepy at the time.
But after the dreaded Final Discard took place, he made a dark and disturbing comment about the ring he wore representing his relationship with him.
“There’s another one for the collection…”
That’s what he said, almost word for word.
“There’s another one for the collection…”
He said this during a period of cohabitation with one another—a time I call the “Post-Discard Days.”
He rummaged around in a small chest of keepsakes one particular day, and out he pulled a small pouch.
From the pouch he dumped out a small collection of rings. There were at least three, not counting mine.
My ring was fresh and yet to be added.
The Gay Narcissist found all of this funny. He acted with a light heart.
But I found it grotesque.
That collection of rings represented all of the thoughts and actions of future faking given solid, material form.
The Death Of Promises
Did I want to be free from my connection with the Gay Narcissist during the Post-Discard Days?
Yes and no.
I kept hoping everything was one big bad dream. I’d wake up from it, the status quo would be alive and well, and I’d carry on, no questions asked.
The idea of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship ending filled me with hopeless panic.
But then… stuff would happen… stuff that busted through my emotional devastation and showed me—maybe—the Final Discard was a blessing in disguise.
Here’s an example:
The Gay Narcissist formally thanked me for agreeing to an open relationship because it gave him room to explore himself before finding his actual soul mate—the man he’d finally settle down with.
Even worse, he followed up by saying he’d never have an open relationship with the New Supply because there was no need. He was it and he did not want to jeopardize it in any way.
Here’s another example:
The Gay Narcissist complained when people were not 100-percent happy for him—now that he found his true soulmate.
And he included me in that sentiment.
He wondered why I couldn’t just buck up, get over it, and be happy for him.
And then there’s that collection of rings.
Did I need any more evidence that the Gay Narcissist was a master of future faking and the years I spent with him were a sham?
Anyone who has been in a narcissistic relationship knows well what future faking feels like.
You believe all of the promises at first.
But they almost never happen. And if they do, they are not as you imagined they would be. They are mixed with drama and aggravation and sadness.
Eventually, your belief in the promises dies off.
A Bleak Consensus
I don’t really know how much a narcissist realizes they are future faking. I think it is a little bit of both.
On one hand, they hope this time will be different. But on the other, they know it won’t be… but they make empty promises anyway.
The problem is that—in the eyes of a narcissist—all past failures are someone else’s fault.
Consider the lifecycle of a narcissistic relationship.
During all of the fun of the idealization phase, the narcissist believes their lies. We do, too. That’s because the love bombing is a drug we’re all passing around. It’s keeping everyone high on limerence.
But these dysfunctional personalities are easily bored. They’re always on the lookout for novel sensations.
And, lets face it, there’s nothing quite like that initial spark of romantic passion.
Romance is distilled narcissistic supply.
This makes for a disastrous cycle. These bad actors lie more and more for all of the intoxicating supply it gives them. And we, in turn, believe everything they say because a narcissist is so convincing when they’re love bombing us.
The other problem is we typically don’t know any better until it’s far too late to get out of the situations with dignity.
Dignity—that’s a funny word in all of this.
Narcissistic individuals don’t care about dignity when future faking because it gets in the way of their game.
And we as the targets don’t realize just how much dignity we throw away because we keep hoping the future faking will turn into something real one day.
But it never does.
The pedestal we are on always wobbles until we fall flat on our face.
Reality hurts a lot when we realize it was all a lie. But it’s the most important realization in order to start the process of moving forward.
A Master At Work
I was obsessed with the New Supply after the Final Discard.
Why was the Gay Narcissist giving him everything he promised me?
This question twisted me in knots.
But then… other times… I’d have moments of precious clarity.
And I finally understood what was going on.
It was all a ruse. With me, with the New Supply, with everyone else—it was all acting. The Gay Narcissist was future faking once again.
It was all a lie.
And then I remembered the collection of rings once more.
Mine was not the first, and it would not be the last.
This post is an edited version of the script for my YouTube video:
Narcissists Love Future Faking
The YouTube script is adapted from my June 2022 blog post:
Narcissism, New Supply, And Future Faking
