I had an intense, laser-focused obsession on the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply after I was discarded and replaced.
I treated the Narcissistic Discard as a singular event, ignoring all of the egregious behavior committed by the Gay Narcissist over the years. I’ve always been grateful for my clear and far-reaching memory. But during the Post Discard Days, my memory was brief and vague.
I acted like everything was ideal before the New Supply entered the Gay Narcissist’s life. And because I failed as a partner, I set into motion every awful thing that happened causing the Narcissistic Discard. I lived in this narrative. I felt comfortable in the flagellation of it all.
Obviously everything was not perfect, because “perfection” would imply there’s no reason to leave someone or treat them badly. But this logic was lost on me.
In reality, my life with the Gay Narcissist was never perfect. It was mostly imperfect—more so, it was oppressive.
More so, I’ve been primed to be discarded and replaced with a source of new supply for years. There were many instances of the Gay Narcissist finding temporary replacements for me, and the time he’d spend with those replacements, I’d be temporarily discarded.
I call these men Supply Sources. They were “good enough” for the Gay Narcissist at the time, but in his eyes, were not worth fully replacing me with. But these Supply Sources served their purpose by giving the Gay Narcissist the fresh validation fixes he required over the years of our gay narcissistic relationship.
In hindsight, I had plenty of practice for the true and final Narcissistic Discard with all of the lesser temporary discards I experienced.
Autonomous Experiences
It is important to remember that the Gay Narcissist and I had an “open relationship” for most of our time together. We were monogamous for less than a year. After that there were various phases of freedom for the Gay Narcissist to experiment with new sources of narcissistic supply.
From my experience, it’s typical for open relationships to go through phases.
The whole thing usually starts with a talk. And then the talk moves on to shared experiences like a threesome. Finally, the tether is cut and autonomous experiences are permitted. There’s usually one person in the relationship applying the pressure, while the other is resistant but ultimately acquiesces to maintain the relationship. (Take a guess which one I was.)
About a year and a half passed before the Gay Narcissist finally wore me down into accepting his request for his first autonomous experience. He was already hunting for and auditioning potential candidates while waiting for my final stamp of approval. Hey, why waste time?
When I finally caved, the Gay Narcissist quickly started making plans. He was after far more than sex, though—he orchestrated an entire weekend in another state. I’m ashamed to even admit this and write it down. But it’s what happened, and I allowed it. I wanted to keep the relationship alive and chugging along, no matter the cost.
I liked to fantasize that he struggled with his decisions, and that he knew my hurt and hesitated. That’s a laughable notion, though.
I called the Gay Narcissist the Saturday morning of his weekend dalliance with his first Supply Source. I asked if he was still going to meet the person, knowing the answer.
He said he was. I heard his tone grow flat.
I asked him if the entire situation was as difficult for him as it was for me. As my voice quivered, his grew annoyed.
I don’t remember what he responded, but whatever it was, I told him how difficult this was for me and it was far harder than I though it was going to be.
“What do you want me to do?” I could hear his temper rising. “If you want me to leave and come home, I will. But I need to know now. Because I’m getting ready to go meet him.”
I told him not to, and that I’d be fine. I ended the call.
He didn’t actually care how I felt, so there was no point hanging on the phone.
Sincerity Versus Annoyance
It’s easy to say now that I never wanted the open relationship. But it was easily the most important aspect of the Gay Narcissist’s life with me.
It far outweighed any feelings he had for me, and the ferocity he displayed when it was threatened or challenged was a sight to see.
He would not allow anything to stand in his way of seeking attention from other men. Many times I was his greatest opponent and not the person he should have been able to rely on. But that would have required a level of trust and mutuality he was incapable of.
But as these lesser discards came up more and more over the years, I handled them differently every time they did.
About a year before the Gay Narcissist met the New Supply, he was courting yet another Supply Source. This was a situation where the Gay Narcissist was really stretching the rules of the open relationship. He wanted to see how far he could push me and just how much he could get away with.
The Gay Narcissist had already met and spent time with this person, but that wasn’t enough. He was now going to take time off of work and spend the day with the Supply Source.
I was already plenty exhausted from years of his emotional and financial abuse, and so I was more impatient and glib with him this time.
I asked him the following over text message a couple of days after he presented this plan to me:
So… what? How is this going to work exactly? You’re just going to take the day off? What are you going to do for the day? How long will you actually be with him? When should I expect to see you? Am I allowed to text you during this day? Should I not expect you for dinner? What if there’s an emergency? How best to get ahold of you?
I was being a prick, for sure, but it was sometimes the only way to get through to him since sincerity was met with annoyance.
Interestingly, the Gay Narcissist, in this moment, responded to me with a response I was not expecting.
He told me he canceled the day with the Supply Source, and he was instead going to spend it with me.
While I was happy, I knew it didn’t have to do with empathy. He was damage control after realizing he pushed me too far.
This isn’t speculation.
When he was lobbying to spend a weekend alone with the New Supply at the Retreat, he mentioned how I “denied” (a key word he used with me often) him this day off with the Supply Source at the time and how he resented my control over him. He should be allowed to date other people and I shouldn’t be allowed to tell him it wasn’t allowed.
Well, pardon me.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
