A friend of mine asked for some perspective on the aftermath of a complicated relationship. I’ll call Arnold.
Arnold fell for a guy in a tricky situation. This individual—let’s call him Franklin—came to Arnold’s attention in a mundane kind of gay way. They met on a cruising app for a general meetup; at the time Arnold was even lukewarm about meeting the guy.
But that’s how these things go, because after meeting Franklin, Arnold found himself smitten. Very smitten. So smitten his feelings were taking on a life of their own. Fast.
Arnold started spending more and more time with Franklin. Texting increased. The warm-and-fuzzy feelings ran wild. According to Arnold, the runaway emotions were mutual.
The problem?
Franklin was already in relationship. An open one, but a relationship none the less. Dalliances were allowed, but what developed between Arnold and Franklin was something else.
It gets worse.
Franklin’s partner, as he was described to me, isn’t the best guy out there. There’s no need to repeat what was shared, but from what I’ve been told, he’s objectively a dark and unsavory type. He’s a person anyone would be wise to steer clear of—if you’re fortunate enough to know what’s going on beneath the surface. For this reason, I’ll called Franklin’s partner the Disturbed Character.
The drama between Arnold, Franklin, and the Disturbed Character went on for several months with two breakups between Arnold and Franklin before Arnold finally said “enough.” He couldn’t handle Franklin’s push-and-pull behavior anymore, and Arnold especially wanted to get as far away from the Disturbed Character as possible.
Again, what’s the problem?
It was a tough lesson for Arnold, sure. But he did the right thing and ended it once and for all. He should continue seeing the situation for what it was, cut his losses, and get on with his life. It’s not the worst advice, even if it’s a touch callous. And I’d certainly be a hypocrite if I didn’t say the same, since I’ve offered plenty of backhanded commentary on the infatuation many gay men have with complicated and dramatic open relationships.
Which is why Arnold approached me concerning his lingering feelings for Franklin.
No, it wasn’t because I’m some wizened expert on matters of the heart. Rather, he asked me because I’m a dupe. I’m a dupe who puts up with way too much for way too long in relationships.
And that’s what continues to dog Arnold.
What does Franklin see in the Disturbed Character? Why would he stay with someone like that when Franklin, by all accounts, is a decent and unassuming guy?
I think I know why.
Acceptance And Belonging
As Arnold described the relationship between Franklin and the Disturbed Character to me, I saw the obvious parallels between the Gay Narcissistic Relationship I was in years ago. And as I unraveled the truth of the relationship I shared with the Gay Narcissist and the part I played in it, I asked myself the same question Arnold is asking now.
Why did I stay in it?
It’s hard to understand the reasons if you’ve never been in a situation like that before. But from all of my experience and research, it always comes down to the power and influence one partner has over the other. One partner struggles with self-worth, and the other is comfortable exploiting it for gain.
I had absolutely no self-worth in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship.
The Gay Narcissist knew it and he used it to his advantage until he was finished with me. Let us never forget his infamous confession when I asked him what he would have done if I asked him to close our gay open relationship.
In “Narcissism And Open Relationships | I Will Always Come Home To You,” I wrote the following:
During one of the many post-breakup talks I had with the Gay Narcissist, I asked a very pointed question.
“What would you have done if I asked to close the relationship?”
The Gay Narcissist sat opposite me. He was silent and his stare was as unflinching as stone.
“I probably would have just cheated on you or broken up with you,” he said in an even tone.
“But I knew you’d never ask to close it because you were afraid I’d break up with you.” He paused, having heard himself be completely honest. It was a rare occurrence for him.
My breath was completely taken away by the admission. But I wasn’t sad or anxious by his words. I was shaken, haunted. Never before had I heard something so cold and dark in its authenticity from this individual.
But such a relationship obviously doesn’t start there.
I experienced an intense wave of obsessive and addictive love—typically called limerence—when I met the Gay Narcissist, and it was the echoes of that limerence that acted as the emotional adhesive keeping me in a relationship well past its expiration date. I felt loved and accepted at the beginning of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship. And the guy who loved and accepted me was so attractive and charismatic in my eyes. How could I possibly do better than him? Why try? Who was I to question someone like him?
There’s the total lack of self-worth making its cameo in the drama.
Guys like me (and I suspect Franklin) who fall into these relationships finally feel a sense of acceptance and belonging. We finally matter to someone else—someone we’re completely spellbound by.
And, now that we matter to someone we admire so much, we finally matter to ourselves.
Limerence All Around
It’s been several years now since since the Gay Narcissistic Relationship ended.
Hindsight brought me a lot of clarity, and chief among all of that clarity is my susceptibly to limerence. My original description of limerence from “Inside the Narcissist’s Head During Love Bombing And Limerence | Ross Rosenberg Explains” still holds up.
I said the following:
Limerence is the intangible force that animates a narcissistic relationship in its early days. It causes obsessive thoughts, feelings of unbridled passion, and an addictive need for reciprocation. In [Ross] Rosenberg’s own words: “chemistry is where opposite attraction begins, and limerence is where it blows up into a fireworks display.”
The initial love-obsessed—or limerent—phase of a standard passionate relationship lines up a little too well with what the idealization/love-bombing phase of a narcissistic relationship looks like. That’s because the narcissist (and the unfortunate love-bombed man or woman) are in the early days of limerence.
I further laid out a cheat sheet for identifying the signs of limerence:
— Intrusive thinking about the “limerent object”
— Acute longing for reciprocation
— Some fleeting and transient relief from unrequited limerence through vivid imagining of action by the limerent object
— Fear of rejection and unsettling shyness in the limerent object’s presence
— Intensification through adversity
— Acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition that can be interpreted favorably, and an extraordinary ability to devise or invent “reasonable” explanations for why neutral actions are a sign of hidden passion in the limerent object
— Aching in the chest or stomach when uncertainty is strong
— Buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation seems evident
— General intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background
— Remarkable ability to emphasize what is truly admirable in the limerent object and to avoid dwelling on the negative or render it into another positive attribute
— Experiencing these feelings for only one limerent object at a time
Now, in that original piece, I described what I believed was going on in the head of a narcissist when he’s love bombing a target. But limerence is an equal-opportunity offender, and the description applies to a target, too.
It absolutely applied to me.
I have no idea if Franklin fell for the Disturbed Character in a hazy fit of limerence. But, as it was described to me, the Disturbed Character certainly seems to have some kind of hold over Franklin. That hold has to start somewhere, and it’s usually when romantic infatuation runs amok and distorts into limerence.
But I am not letting Arnold off the hook, either. As he described this whole ordeal to me, he also sounded like he’s still struggling with feelings of limerence for Franklin.
Limerence all around!
An Object Of Shimmering Beauty
Understanding the finer points of limerence are important here.
The pioneer of limerence as a concept, Dr. Dorothy Tennov, has some clarity to offer. In her seminal book, Love & Limerence, Tennov cites the writings of french novelist Marie Henri Beyle, specifically from his essay collection, De l’Amour.
Tennov wrote:
The most renowned conceptualization from De l’Amour was of the manner in which the object of passionate love was perceived, a process to which [Marie Henri Beyle] gave the metaphorical term, “crystallization.”
A branch of a tree, [Marie Henri Beyle] said, if tossed into a salt mine and allowed to remain there for several months undergoes a metamorphosis. It remains a branch… but the salt crystals transform it “into an object of shimmering beautiful.” In an analogous manner, although more quickly, the characteristics of the [limerent object]are crystallized by mental events in which the [limerent object’s]attractive characteristics are exaggerated and unattractive characteristics given little to no attention…
…You may seize on objectively trivial aspects of the [limerent object’s]appearance or behavior—a look in the eye, a way of walking, a hesitation in speech or a dialect, an article of clothing—and imbue it with meaning…
…However the [limerent object]may appear to others, the limerent bias bring forth the positive and plays down the unfavorable.
What does Franklin see in the Disturbed Character? Why would he stay with someone like that?
I suspect we have a little more insight into that from the above Love & Limerence passage. There was something about the romantic alchemy between Franklin and the Disturbed Character that caused Franklin to downplay the Disturbed Character’s faults and play up his (perceived) attractive qualities.
And for the record, I will say the same about Arnold. He’s allowing his own potentially limerent feelings to tether him to someone who has made his choice—Franklin chose the Disturbed Character over Arnold.
But logic and limerence don’t play nice.
Infatuated And Consumed
I’ve known so many gay men over the years who either fiercely guard their single-hood or fall quickly, desperately, and obsessively in love with other men, one after the other (me).
This has often left me wondering if homosexual men are more susceptible to limerence than the vastly larger heterosexual population.
Dr. Allen Downs talks about this in The Velvet Rage, and though he doesn’t reference limerence directly, the patterns are the same.
Here’s one example:
… Gay men become completely infatuated and obsessed with a new love. It is beyond enjoying the excitement of a new man in their life—they become consumed with the relationship, spending virtually all of the their time with the new lover and neglecting their relationships with about anyone else.
And another:
Two wounded men, both struggling to discover themselves and desperately lacking in skills and role models, come together to find love. It is a tragic recipe filled with momentous highs and devastating lows.
I’ve certainly been there.
Many, many times.
But these passages further highlight how easily and powerfully gay men in particular can get swallowed up in trysts and relationships fueled by limerence. Intense love and passion is where it starts, but it’s almost never where it stays.
Passion fades and confusion begins.
Love dwindles and resentment takes root.
Relationships like this start thriving on the sunken cost fallacy. How can we walk away when so much has already been put in? Maybe if we try a little harder and put in a little more effort on our end, they will finally notice and things will get better.
But when has that ever worked?
An Enmeshed Polarity
Arnold did what he needed to do.
He ended his involvement with Franklin and cut off communication when he saw his relationship with the Disturbed Character was not ending. There was nothing else to do, because Arnold wanted absolutely nothing to do with the Disturbed Character.
Again: Franklin made his decision, and so too did Arnold.
But that decision still eats at Arnold.
What could Franklin possibly see in the Disturbed Character over him?
The answer is likely not a single thread, but rather an entire tapestry of reasonings and rationales and excuses. I can only say why I stayed in mine. At the beginning of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship was a honeymoon phase flooded with limerence; it animated both the Gay Narcissist and me.
But then the bad behavior, antagonism, and blame-shifting started. We weren’t so much a couple as we were an enmeshed polarity—never really getting along, but also refusing to separate. I literally didn’t know how to function without the Gay Narcissist. He was, after all, giving me something—a feeling of acceptance and self-worth. And all of his bad behavior was locked away in a vault of cognitive dissonance. Nothing to see here!
If the Gay Narcissist didn’t dump and replace me with the New Supply, I truly don’t know if and when I would have reached my breaking point. I’m fortunate that I didn’t have to wait and find out, though I didn’t see it at the time. I was lost in my own lies and delusions of what I wanted the Gay Narcissistic Relationship to be versus what it was—and no one could have talked me out of it.
I told Arnold not to “move on,” but to rather “move forward.”
“Moving on” implies the relationship didn’t matter and the feelings were silly and trivial. But the relationship did matter and Arnold’s feelings were potent—to Arnold himself—regardless of how it looked from the outside.
Those scars are worth holding onto. There is wisdom in them.
* * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, dysfunctional romance, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my independent work.
The reading list includes:
Love And Limerence: The Experience Of Being In Love (Dr. Dorothy Tennov)
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
It’s Not You: Identifying And Healing From Narcissistic People (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon Of Our Age (Dr. George Simon)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
