The ding of a new text message is an event of excitement—way too much.
And trust me when I say it takes no time at all for that excitement to turn into gut-churning dread.
For it was through the medium of text messaging that the Gay Narcissist carried out some of his most intense love bombing. And once I was firmly secured in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, it was the medium where he pushed the boundaries of everything that was supposed to define the foundation of a stable intimate relationship.
I’ve had countless loving and passionate conversations with the Gay Narcissist via text messages. And it was these exchanges that sustained me until I finally got to see him at the end of the work week and we’d spend the entirety of our weekends together.
It was also this same medium that would leave me pacing the halls of my work building, waiting for the Gay Narcissist to respond back to me after he lobbed an accusation at me and I begged for forgiveness. I can still remember the tightness in my chest, and the rushing thump of my pulse. I was terrified I blew it and that was going to be the last grievance the Gay Narcissist would put up with before finally cutting me loose.
Eventually, all of the texting simply grew exhausting and I just wanted it to stop.
Beggars Can’t Be Choosers
I was powerfully activated by texting long before the Gay Narcissist entered my life.
I was the guy who would repeatedly press the home button on his iPhone 4, making sure no rogue messages made their way through.
None ever did.
Even worse, I’d turn off notifications for the cruising apps I was partaking in at the time—Scruff, Grindr, GROWLr, and the like—so every time I opened the app there was the chance I’d hear from a new guy who would finally be the one, even if it was just for a single evening.
Hey, beggars can’t be choosers. And I was begging for attention online morning, noon, and night. This attention I desperately sought out was a complete and total addiction, but at the time I had a much narrower view of the world. If I didn’t have a drinking or drug problem, then all was well in my life.
I didn’t realize how I was priming myself for my own issues with limerence.
The Puppet Strings Of Limerence
Limerence is a favorite topic of mine when partaking in my brand of armchair psychology.
One of my most popular posts on this website to date is the post exploring love bombing as a manifestation of limerence on the part of a narcissist. I use the writing of Ross Rosenberg from The Human Magnet Syndrome as my primary source in that theory.
But that is limerence as it manifests in a narcissist.
What about my limerence?
My addiction to the validation I received from texting only happened whenever I was receiving attention from men I was interested in romantically or sexually. I never waited on baited breath to hear from a friend or parent.
No, it was men I needed to hear from to get my fix. Because, as Dr. Alans Downs writes about in The Velvet Rage, a common pattern among gay men is to turn sexual and romantic attraction for proactive partners (one-night stands, potential dates, maybe a boyfriend) into a process addiction. And, as I continue dissecting myself, that’s what I was up to. I became addicted to the hunt and those little dopamine hits when I caught some prey.
But sometimes the prey was big, and intense limerent feelings would settle in.
Remember, limerence is a collection of obsessive romantic, intimate, and sexual feelings you have toward another person. You’re convinced this person is almost supernatural in how perfectly they’ll correct and complete your life. And as the obsession takes hold, it becomes all the more painful and disturbing when you’re separated from your “limerent object.”
It’s all the worse if your limerence object does not have your best interest in mind. If he or she is in any way manipulative or selfish, then that will be used to keep you under control and make you dance like a puppet on strings.
And text messages are often those strings.
The Power Of Words Over Actions
It’s deeply important to pay attention to an individual’s action over his or her words.
And yet, we all too quickly believe the words that are spoken to us and ignore all of the plain and egregious bad behavior as it is thrown at us. It’s because narcissists, sociopaths, and other toxic personalities are highly skilled at smoothing over their terrible behavior with saccharine and syrupy words.
But why do we buy it?
Simple—we can create our own fantasies with their words while the realities of toxic individuals are allowed to flourish with their bad behaviors. These dangerous words serve as building blocks that we use to entertain ourselves in constructing our own reality of a loving partner and a healthy, mutual relationship.
And this is never more apparent that when it’s text messages we’re using.
Because with text messages, we don’t see the perpetrator. We don’t see the ugly faces, the condescending gestures, and the appalling body language. We don’t experience the doomed reality of the person before us. We only read the honeyed words and use them to further build our own imaginative stories—and psychic prisons.
From Warm And Loving To Cold And Accusatory
My heart would beat fast when I received a loving text from the Gay Narcissist.
My heart would beat even faster when I received a threatening text from the Gay Narcissist.
Sometimes the anxiety of receiving texts from the Gay Narcissist, whether pleasant or accusatory, was so great that my teeth would chatter, my stomach would turn, and there was nothing I could do but pace with worry. This interfered with my work, my friendships, and my hobbies. People noticed the sudden and powerful shift in my character from a relatively independent individual to a slobbering fool waiting for the next ding of his phone.
The texting between the Gay Narcissist and I turned negative quickly, and they became routinely negative a few months into the relationship; they far outweighed the positive by a sizable majority. So, I simply worked hard to “fix” everything and get back those early (very early) weeks.
An Example Of Abusive Texting
My birthday rolled around only a few weeks after I met the Gay Narcissist.
I already had plans with a friend I quasi-dated for a brief bit. But I was thoroughly under the spell of the Gay Narcissist, and I was ready to jettison those plans and install the Gay Narcissist into them. But he insisted I should not, and he’d simply enjoy the evening on his own. Why should I treat my friends like that?
That was his attitude until the night in question arrived.
His texting immediately changed from friendly and loving to cold and accusatory. He was short and plain in his speech; it was a sudden and stark departure from his bubbly enthusiasm. I managed to set him aside and enjoy the night.
But the next morning I was bombarded with messages from the Gay Narcissist. He found it incredibly disconcerting I was not responding to any of his text messages, and I should have made some kind of effort to reach out to him.
This should have been it. I should have seen the red flags of bloody crimson in this and walked away.
But I did not.
Instead, I begged him to call me so we could work it out. And by working it out, I meant prostrating myself before him and begging forgiveness. But he refused to call me. Instead, he told me he needed some time to himself to work it out in his own head. I was a shaking wreck every single second I experienced his silence.
But he did work it out in his head by the evening, and it passed until a new drama arose. And then another. And another after that.
Years later, when the Gay Narcissist was gone and I was free to move on, it was incredibly painful and the lack of his texts felt like an excruciating detox.
But once it passed, I never breathed easier.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
