In my early sessions with the Lovely Therapist, I read to her excerpts from blogs discussing narcissistic discard and replacement with new supply.
One particular item I read to her was from the Psychopath Free website: “4 Reason For The Cruel Breakup.”
The item reads as follows:
If the psychopath sees their new target as more valuable than you, what exactly does that say? It means that he or she is more likely to provide them with the unconditional adoration that they crave. It also means you’re not doing enough of that. When the psychopath dumps you for another target, they are writing you off as a less useful victim.
I assured the Lovely Therapist that I understood the Gay Narcissist was not something as extreme as a psychopath. But, still, I found it interesting how much it all lined up.
“Perhaps you shouldn’t be so quick to assume he’s not a psychopath or sociopath,” the Lovely Therapist said. “He does sound like a sociopath from everything you’ve described,” she said.
The Lovely Therapist went on to inform me that she’d worked with people in her practice she’d identified as sociopathic.
I was taken aback. Her assessments left me with an uneasy feeling.
Later on, I talked with the Mutual Acquaintance I shared with the Gay Narcissist, and he told me he shared my story with a psychologist he was friends with.
“He told me he sounds like a sociopath,” the Mutual Acquaintance said. Moving from one partner to another with seemingly no conscience or remorse…
That’s how sociopaths operate.
What Is A Sociopath, Anyway?
I read Dr. Martha Stout’s The Sociopath Next Door in 2019 during my intense undertaking of self-education into understanding all things narcissism and dark psychology.
And what is Martha Stout’s conclusion on what makes a person a sociopath?
The absence of conscience.
These individuals simply do whatever they want whenever they want. And, along the way, they have zero regard for the havoc they create and the people they hurt. Promoting this information is exactly why Martha Stout wrote The Sociopath Next Door. She rightfully worries that we view sociopathy through too narrow a lens.
When we think of the sociopath as an entity, we think of serial killers largely: Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, Dennis Rader (the BTK Killer), et cetera.
Or, we think of the conmen and fraudsters who take people for all their worth. Think about the sociopaths in Tinder Swindler, Bad Vegan, The Puppet Master, and so on. There was no bloodshed, but the depths of psychological control and abuse were/are awe-inspiring. The control wielded was used to defraud people out of millions of dollars.
That’s all bad enough, but Martha Stout warns in The Sociopath Next Door that sociopathy can appear in a person’s life in far more common and pedestrian ways. Common and pedestrian, maybe, but it is still a painful and destructive pattern of behavior, regardless of the shape it takes.
Sociopaths Vs. Psychopaths Vs. Narcissists
Martha Stout establishes early on in The Sociopath Next Door that she sees little difference between “psychopathy,” sociopathy,” and an “antisocial” personality.
Therefore, in her own research and for the ease of delivering her information and message, she settled on using the terms “sociopath” and “sociopathy” in The Sociopath Next Door to give a clear and defined singular name to what she’s describing.
And what she is describing is a person that does not have a conscience.
How does narcissism play into all of this?
Martha Stout describes sociopathy and it’s lack of conscience as “ice-cold.” It appears like a “dispassionate game of chess.” In fact, that’s how all of life is viewed by a sociopath. Since he or she has no inner depth, the only goal in life is establishing control and dominance and—in essence—winning, since the sociopath has such a barren emotional world.
Narcissism, by contrast, is, “often full of emotional heat.”
In Martha Stout’s own words from The Sociopath Next Door:
As a counterpoint to sociopathy, the condition of narcissism is particularly interesting and instructive.
Narcissism is, in a metaphorical sense, one half of what sociopathy is. Even clinical narcissists are able to feel most emotions as strongly as anyone else does, from guilt and sadness to desperate love and passion.
The half that is missing is the crucial ability to understand what other people are feeling. Narcissism is a failure not of conscience but of empathy, which is the capacity to perceive emotions in others and so react to them appropriately.
And there it is. That is the big divide between the two.
It’s about a lack of conscience versus a lack of empathy.
Whether If It’s Narcissism Or Sociopathy, It’s Still Dangerous
In an interview with Martha Stout from March 2010, she stated that, regardless if you’re dealing with a narcissist or a sociopath, the damage he can do in a relationship is vast.
This also plays into the need for a target to “diagnosis” the culprit wreaking havoc in one’s life.
Such a dynamic was at work early in the Post-Discard Days after I experienced the convoluted and complicated Final Narcissistic Discard. I was obsessed with evaluating every single action of the Gay Narcissist. And with every evaluation I believed I was one step closer to diagnosing him with a proper label—the proper label that would finally explain everything away.
And with that label and explanation I’d finally find peace.
Or so I believed.
it’s important for consumers of these books like The Sociopath Next Door (and blogs, for that matter) to recognize that they discuss toxic and dangerous behaviors and the individuals who perpetrate them. The content doesn’t usually focus on what the targets of toxic people—narcissists, sociopaths, whatever—are experiencing. When the books do address this topic, the message is always the same.
Don’t worry so much about the labels.
Instead, worry about the actions and how the actions make you feel.
That’s far more instructive into understanding who someone truly is and what you need to do to better your own circumstances in life.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
