Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist is easily my favorite of the 11 pop psychology books I read since October 2018.
It serves as a step-by-step guide to understanding all things narcissism and toxic relationships, but with laser-focused attention on romantic relationships with narcissists. If you’ve ever been in a relationship defined by antagonism, aggression, dismissiveness, manipulation, impulsivity, insensitivity, triangulation, arrogance, and all the ugly rest of it, this book is written for you.
Of all the information presented in the book, here are the final three lessons I found most valuable in Dr. Ramani’s book:
If you missed Part 01 of this review, please find it here.
03.) Have you ever heard of the “rescue fantasy”? If you haven’t, you’re about to—and it’s time to let it go.
Dr. Ramani’s most apt way of explaining the “rescue fantasy” is by recounting the Beauty and the Beast fairytale, the ultimate story of how narcissistic relationships work.
The only problem is, in real life, you can’t turn your beast into a prince (or princess) with enough love and care. If anything, you’re making the situation worse by trying at all. The more you barter away pieces of yourself to pacify the narcissist, you are weakening yourself psychologically while enabling your narcissistic partner’s bad behavior with narcissistic supply.
The rescue fantasy is very real when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist—it’s a hazardous pitfall that can keep you in a toxic relationship for years. Maybe if you try harder, love deeper, sacrifice more, and on and on, one day you will finally make the relationship work, right? Maybe you’ll finally guide your narcissistic partner away from his or her toxic behavior, yes?
No, no, and no. It’s not going to happen.
When one partner is trying and trying, and the other is taking and taking, where’s the win? And worse, when will it end? When has enough energy been expended trying to please the unappeasable narcissist? If you’re hellbent on rescuing someone, then rescue yourself. But never, ever try to rescue a narcissist, because you will fail splendidly, and the only thing you’ll have to show for it is your own wounded psyche.
02.) You’re encouraged to finally take care of yourself when the narcissistic relationship is over, accept your emotions, breathe, and let go.
One of the most powerful sections in Dr. Ramani’s Should I Stay Or Should I Go? is titled, “Embrace your emotions—and take care of yourself.”
Of the many clinical interviews Dr. Ramani conducted on narcissistic relationships, she found a common theme among those whose relationships ended—a single, collective feeling of “relief.” And the relief was signaled by an “exhale” when first acknowledging the end of the narcissistic relationship.
But the feeling of relief is fraught and complicated, just as the narcissistic relationship was fraught and complicated all the time you were in it.
This is why Dr. Ramani stress the importance of psychotherapy with a clinician who understands the intricate details of narcissism and emotional abuse. Your brain has been scrambled, and you’ll need help from someone who can begin mending all of the damage done by your narcissistic partner.
01.) The narcissist is not going to change.
This is probably Dr. Ramani’s most controversial of lessons, but it’s also the most important to take away from Should I Stay Or Should I Go? as a person reentering the world after a toxic relationship with a narcissist.
Generally speaking, it’s not a good practice for therapists to declare anyone a lost cause and toss him or her out the door, whether the person is a narcissist, or someone with any other kind of personality or mental issue.
But this book is not for the pathological, disordered person. It’s for anyone who has been enduring a difficult and painful relationship with a pathological, disordered person. And because of this, it’s important for readers to understand that a narcissist is not going to change, and then move forward from that realization.
I’ve read a lot—and I mean a lot—about narcissism, cluster B personality disorders, and psychology in general over the past year, and Dr. Ramani is the only clinician who directly states—without hesitation—that a narcissist will not change. This certainty is her short answer, but when she explains her position, she’s clear: if a narcissist is self aware enough to realize he or she doesn’t like his or her behavior and wants to make genuine effort in making a change in behavior, she (or any therapist) then has something to work with.
But the changes will come at a glacial pace, the narcissist will most likely fall back into toxic patterns of behavior when under stress, and any lasting changes could very well be too small for a partner to ever feel comfortable in the relationship, as the overall personality structure remains stable and intact. As Dr. Ramani has said over and over again: you can teach narcissistic people to show up on time, but you cannot teach them to listen once they get there.
With all of this in mind, is a romantic relationship with a narcissist really worth all of the sacrifice and effort?
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
1 Comment
just watched your stages video ..maintenance stage here for me with relapses many which would not have happened if we were not in isolation due to covid . holidays .. esp ..its been almost a year so far in this stage after 7 years of ‘relationship’