“He’s it. I really think he’s the one.”
The Gay Narcissist spoke these words to me weeks before I made my final exit from the Gay Narcissistic Relationship. As written about previously, the Gay Narcissist and I shared far too much time together toward the end of our bizarre cohabitation.
And since the Gay Narcissist knew his time of influence was nearly at an end, he was making the most of it. He seized any opportunity he could to remind me that the New Supply succeeded as a partner—more than just a partner, I should say, since the New Supply was the one—and I had failed.
He wasn’t so blunt that he plainly said these things.
Instead, the Gay Narcissist left clues and sprinkled comments about the life he shared with the New Supply. I was told they had far more in common than we ever did, they had the same taste for adventure, and their intense “passion” never flickered and was like nothing the Gay Narcissist had every experienced before.
But I was also assured that I shouldn’t worry. No matter what, the Gay Narcissist still “loved” me and the times we shared could never be taken away by anyone or anything. They were something he still cared and talked about all the time.
What a lucky guy I was. And let me say this while on the topic: the bloated and pompous certainty with which the Gay Narcissist made these assurance was gobsmacking.
It was clear the Gay Narcissist was still high on fresh narcissistic supply, and he was double-dipping by drawing out some secondary supply from my hurt and discomfort.
But it worked. I believed everything the Gay Narcissist told me, despite all of the plain evidence to the contrary.
That’s why I found the news of the New Supply discarding the Gay Narcissist so destabilizing.
A Meat Grinder Of Memories
I found out almost three months after I settled into my new apartment and life.
Two separate people with no connection to one another reached out to me to share the news. One sent a text message and the other called. It was information I wasn’t expecting and I didn’t particularly want. While I still thought of the Gay Narcissist, the New Supply, and the totality of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship daily, I wasn’t actively ruminating.
Instead, my thoughts turned to analysis.
I had started a post-mortem of the whole thing, from beginning to end. I could no longer deny how much egregious bullshit I allowed to transpire—simply so I could say I was in a relationship, no matter how much it limped along begging to be put out of its misery once and for all. There were plenty of moments during this process that I turned against myself for tolerating all of the abuse and manipulation I did from such a gross and lowly person.
And even now, I clearly remember the day I heard the news.
It was a month shy of the one-year anniversary celebrating the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply meeting for the first time at the Retreat. From what I was told, the Gay Narcissist was planning to spend the anniversary weekend with the New Supply at the Retreat so they could relive the magic.
But that wasn’t destined to happen; the information I was given about the breakup was sparse and simple.
The New Supply discarded the Gay Narcissist over the phone, quite suddenly, and he was shocked and upset by the abrupt end.
Finally, at long last…
Revenge had. Justice served. Karma fulfilled. Punishment dealt.
So, why did I only feel a queasiness in the very pit of my stomach?
My mind turned into a meat grinder of memories as I started to process everything related to the Gay Narcissist, the New Supply, and the Gay Narcissistic Relationship all at once. It was an involuntary action, like a nervous twitch.
But during all of this, I wasn’t upset for the wellbeing of the Gay Narcissist at all. If anything, I was angry at him all over again.
I was still in the early stages of moving on, and a major part of that was letting go of all the comparisons and judgements revolving around the players of events past. By doing this I was carefully crafting a narrative of what happened, what would happen, and why it was all happening.
But this narrative still revolved around the Gay Narcissist, and the narrative was immediately disrupted by the news of the New Supply ending their relationship and discarding him.
It was time to scrap the entire draft and start over from the beginning.
Place Your Bets
Some of my friends placed bets on when the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply would break up.
I first called a friend of mine, who wagered it wouldn’t last a full year, to tell him he won.
Next was the Prickly European, who said he regretted the relationship did not carry on longer because he wanted them both to suffer together for a good while before the inevitable implosion. That made me laugh, I must admit.
And most importantly I told the Lovely Therapist during the following session. She raised her eyebrow when I shared the news.
“Wow,” she said. “That was faster than I expected.”
But the listlessness and the discomfort over the whole thing wouldn’t leave me alone. As much as I wanted to revel in the schadenfreude of it all, it never really happened.
Why do you think that it is, the Lovely Therapist asked me.
Why?
Because with the news also came the realization—once again—that I was held in a psychic prison. And every one of the bars was formed by all of my memories and perceptions of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, and how I was letting them dictate reality.
In a perverse way, I almost wanted the relationship between the Gay Narcissist and the New Supply to work because it fit that old narrative I was cobbling together. And when it didn’t and all of the poisonous bile the Gay Narcissist choked up about soul mates and “the one” was revealed to be yet another sham, so too was my reason for wallowing.
But the Gay Narcissist was not the warden of all this.
I was, and it was time I quit the job and let it all go.
* * *
Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
* * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
